Uncle!

Last May, for Jan’s Corner, I talked about the pain we’d all be dealing with as the weather got hotter. This month, I’d just like to whine and yell, “Uncle! I’ve had enough!” Is that okay? Everyone thinks I’m so strong and enduring. This month, I say to those adjectives, “Blah, blah, blah.” Sometimes I get tired of being tough – and I’m really not as tough as some people think I am anyway.

Last night I was working with some of the neat leaders at PC Project and I was asking about the pain. I wanted to understand why we PCers hurt even when we are just sitting with our feet up! I was given a very good medical explanation that there are callouses and conditions with keratodermas that are not painful...but physicians believe PC is a blistering condition. So even though I can't see anything but a callous and can't see a blister, underneath there is a space -- and even if that space isn't filled with fluid, the nerve endings are feeling that space = PAIN. Our feet hurt like crazy because of what’s going on underneath the callous.

A good explanation helps, but it still didn’t prevent me from dreading the move from my seat in the office, down some stairs and to my car when it was time to go home. Since my feet hurt so much just sitting there, I actually envisioned in my mind how I was going to get to my car several times before I actually started to move. And this mental role play started about an hour before I even left. Is that pathetic or what?

For me, dealing with pain is such a mental thing - maybe even more mental than physical. I have to mentally gear up for any errands or activities where I know I’ll be counting every step I take. And I’m tired of it. It’s physically tiring and it’s mentally tiring. And I’m also tired of feeling pain every waking moment. I’m tired of the ache in my feet and legs that goes with the pain. I’m tired of going to sleep every night and feeling pain, and I’m tired of waking up to it as well. There is no break.

I know it will be a bit better when the weather cools off. I know I need to just hang in there, because there are times of the year when I can actually not feel my feet hurting when I’m sitting or laying down. But that time is not now. And I know from several of you that I’m not the only one. Maybe that’s why I’m justifying putting such a whiney entry in here this month. I’m whining on behalf of all you PCers out there that tell me in private that you’re miserable, but are strong, tough, and enduring in public. I admire you so much and I know you understand. I hate that YOU are hurting, though it is nice to know I’m not alone. So I’ll say it one more time for all of us – I’m tired of pain!