More Changes

A few weeks ago, for no reason I could fathom, the calluses on my feet changed physically. The temperatures were cooler than they’ve been, the kids were back in school and I should have been in a good place with my PC. However, for about two weeks, typically somewhat dry calluses turned mushy, leaving open parts all over them. I could actually look down into the calluses and see this raw layer of skin – or something – beneath the pieces of the calluses. I don’t know if what I’m describing makes sense because it’s such an unusual occurrence for me. For those two weeks, I called them my “pregnancy feet” because that’s how my calluses became each time I was pregnant. Fortunately, last week they began to dry up again over several days and I am now back to my PC normal.

The thing that made the physical change in my calluses so difficult for me is the changes were accompanied by incredible pain – the “crazy pain.” Sure, I deal with pain all the time, as do most PCers. It was just interesting to me how I felt when I was dealing with increased, more intense pain for those two weeks. I found my motivation to accomplish things was a lot lower. All I wanted to do was put my feet up and do mindless things. Household chores became burdensome. I chose to make the easiest meals possible. I had zero desire to run errands and I only did so if absolutely necessary. The thought of even putting on socks was unbearable. Because life doesn’t care if you are in pain or not, I still had to bully my way through the pain and get certain things done, but I truly did the bare minimum.

I realized, too, that I had to watch myself and still be kind to my family members. Just because I hurt like crazy didn’t give me license to be grouchy to my innocent kids. (As for Dave, it’s impossible to be grouchy at him, because he’s so good to me.) I was paranoid about anyone getting near my feet for fear they would touch them. I was also extra tired because I didn’t sleep well at nights. I wonder, too, if dealing with intense pain affects fatigue levels. Finally, I found that I was getting discouraged and even a bit depressed, especially after the first week. Even though my motivation was low, I still had a mind that wanted to do things and I felt frustrated and helpless.

ike I said, I’m fine now. But the experience made me thoughtful about how I deal with extra bad pain. I’m no champion, that’s for sure. In hindsight, would I have done anything different? I don’t know. When the body and the pain take over like that, I felt like all I could do was cope. I lived more reactively than proactively during that time. That’s not the most fulfilling way to live, in my opinion. I only hope now, after this short-term extreme pain experience, that I will be more compassionate to others who deal with trials, whether they are PC-related or not. And, I certainly hope I will be empathetic, not judgmental, about the way people react to their situations.