Back to School... For me!

I’m almost 40 and this fall I did what I consider to be a very brave thing. I enrolled in one class at the University of Utah. The first day of school, I was excited, a little nervous and feeling that exhilarating first-day-of-school feeling. As I walked to class amongst the throngs of students, I looked at them and wondered if they felt that those feelings too, after all, we are all just young college students, right?

But then it dawned on me - I don’t look like them! There I was thinking we’re all the same when really, I look 20 years older than most of them. To those students, I look like the old married lady that I am. It’s just that when I’m surrounded by lots of young adults, it’s hard for me to remember that I don’t look just like them!

After being in school for over a month now, I’ve also realized not only do I not look young like they do, but I’m not the same and my life is not the same. (That includes my memory!)

However, after 20 years, especially with PC, some things about going to college are exactly the same. Here they are:

• Parking – Trying to find a place to park that doesn’t leave me so far to walk to class on a big campus that once I get there I’ll think only about pain instead of the lecture. (I miss the days when I rode my bike from my apartment and could park it right outside the buildings where I had class.)
• Walking distances – Even if I do get a decent parking spot, there is really no such thing as a “close class” on a college campus. Everything is just big. There is no such thing as not having sore feet after having been to class, simply because of the walking. And I only have one class! Good thing I graduated when I was young and didn’t have children. Back in college 20 years ago, I always carried pins or needles with me to pop my blisters when needed. Sometimes right in class, I would discreetly stick a pin through my sock to get to a blister, just to relieve the intense pressure. So I can’t complain now at all. I think it would have been harder to have that much pain as a full time student with lots of walking, and then have to go home and take care of a family.
• The awkward “PC walk” - I’ve had to walk around the classroom and stand in front of the class several times now and it’s still awkward. I simply don’t know how to walk “right” and I feel very self-conscious about it. Also, because it’s a big campus and a fairly long walk to class, I do take my crutches along. I don’t care if I’m just an old lady to everyone I pass – and I mostly pass people who I’ll never see again on any given day – I still feel awkward with my “crutch walk”. Is my book bag sliding off my shoulder? Is my shirt climbing too high on the sides?
• Kind people – After 20 years, I am still appreciative to kind people who open the door for me as I’m approaching a building. Were university doors always this heavy? It’s made me aware that I must continue to teach my boys (and husband Dave is the best teacher by word and by example) to open doors for any woman – young or old – and whether they have crutches or not. Maybe that’s not a very liberated viewpoint, but it’s important to me, and after all these years, I’m still grateful for kind people who open doors for me.
• Answering PC questions - After a long time of not talking often about my PC, I’m going through the question again, “What happened?” in all forms and varieties. And what’s funny, the first times it’s happened, I immediately went back to my old standard answer, “Bad feet.” Whatever happened to all that great stuff I learned about answering questions at the patient support meeting discussions? Wow, habits die hard. But see, I don’t get asked about my PC much anymore. I mostly live in a comfortable circle of people who know me. So college life is bringing out all those old feelings – even awkwardness - of having to explain things again more frequently than I’m used to. I have gotten better at answering though, thanks to the patient discussions! It’s also been a good reminder that my own boys are still going through that, and will for a long time as they experiences new situations and meet new people.
• Accepting people – There are a lot of good people in this world, people who are accepting of me, regardless of my funny looking nails and my weird walk. Frankly, I don’t think anyone in my class really understands about my PC. But the best lesson I learned in college 20 years ago (I wish I had learned it earlier) is still applicable today - If I act comfortable with my PC and with myself, other people are comfortable with my PC and with me too. Actually, the PC becomes a non-issue. One month into class, and there is always a cluster of people around me - no one seems to care at all that I am “different” – age wise or physically.

I still have a hard time remembering that I don’t look like a 20 year old when I go to school each day. It’s refreshing to be around so many young adults who work hard and care deeply about their futures. It’s a positive experience. And it’s also helped me recall the experiences I’ve had, and that I’m having again, so I can be empathetic to my own children and other PCers as they navigate through school and college life.